I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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