Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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