Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
