You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
