last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
