I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
