i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
