when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
