i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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