This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
