did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
