I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
