The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
