Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
