theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
sarcasm needs its own font
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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