Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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