Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
