He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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