I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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