The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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