I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
