stop calling my apartment porn island.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
