I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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