Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
