I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
