Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
