My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Someone came in the potted fern
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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