My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So vagazzling was a success
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
