I accidentally had phone sex last night
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
PANTIES FOUND
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