I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
