Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
