Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
