11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
