I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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