I'm really into asian looking animals
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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