I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
