Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
