were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
