My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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