just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
