really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
