Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
