for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
