the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
