38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
