Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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