i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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