I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
