Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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