I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am one with the molecules
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
