Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
